And with that I blocked him.

His arms drenched around his lover.

I couldn’t stand it.

Did I even want him? Not really, but to know that I was just a spice in the dish & not the meat, was too much to handle.

Being back in Berlin concentrated my feelings.

They radiated through me.

Why did I feel so strongly?

I’d been around the world & returned to my beloved Berlin.

I’d spent the day with him.

I knew I wasn’t welcome tonight but I’d invited myself.

I was in the routine of going out, attending events, meeting people. I thought it would be easy.

I didn’t know he would be with him.

I didn’t know I was just a player in his day.

I wasn’t someone for him to give affection to. Just a passerby.

He sought love in this man, and I was a bonus.

I stood upon my own two feet and breathed in my own intimate space. I drank alone, and allowed him to live his reality while I absorbed mine.

The soaked taste of lager saturated my mouth, while my eyes took in the sights of lovers past and future. Pictures from Grindr walking across the room.

I couldn’t do this.

‘Are you not watching the performance?’ He says as he sits next to me.

Catches me off guard writing this.

I lie, say I’m working.

Wishing to be anywhere but here.

I walked away. Bought more booze.

God this party is insufferable.

Full of millennial activists believing they’re doing everything they can to make the world a better place. The lols.

A ‘safe space’ in which I’ve been sexually assaulted about 3 times since I arrived.

A stage to promote mediocrity disguised by a rainbow flag.

I shouldn’t be here. My mind works differently.

I should be anywhere but here. Reading, writing, painting. Anything.

Not here. Not dealing with another millennial telling me how I should behave or feel.

I’m tired.